The things that occur to me, watching reruns of the Olympic highlights late at night online: How is it, in a world where everybody gets a trophy, that I’m still without a gold medal?
It’s the obvious bias of those prejudiced people down at the International Olympic Committee, of course. They’re all concerned about things like balance beams and 400-meter-relays and trampolines, for heaven’s sake. And I say, if they can make trampolining an Olympic sport, then it can’t be that hard to add a few more events that would really draw the American public, and by that, I mean I could be a contender.
Seriously, so what if Usain Bolt can run 100 meters in 9.3 seconds? I’d like to see him do it in fuzzy slippers, carrying a forgotten lunch box, all while dodging laundry baskets, overdue library books and at least one cat. Bet I can take him.
In fact, my whole family could be the next Team USA. Here’s just a few events we’d dominate:
– Grocery weightlifting. Let’s see how many of these so-called “athletes” can make it in one trip from the car to the house carrying four grocery bags, a purse and at least one 12-pack of Mountain Dew. Extra difficulty points awarded for rain.
– Laundry shotput. The goal is to get the dirty laundry the farthest distance possible from the actual laundry hamper. Little Princess will dominate. I regularly find her socks in the back yard.
– Verbal gymnastics. My money’s on Slightly Older Princess in this category. No matter what it is, it didn’t happen, she didn’t do it, it’s all a misunderstanding, somebody else provoked her into doing it, or if she did do it, which she didn’t, it was because it was absolutely Right and Necessary and the Other Person Deserved It.
– Board game decathlon. This is Husband’s territory. Agricola, Puerto Rico, Carcassone, 2038, line ‘em up and he’ll knock ‘em down. Don’t bore him with piddly stuff like Monopoly, although if you must, he’ll soon have enough hotels to buy both you and your metal dog, too. He also has my vote for gold in the Speed Cribbage division.
– Synchronized Whining. Step into the room, face the Princesses and say the prompt: “No one leaves this house until the dishwasher is empty, the cat box is clean, your rooms are picked up and all the laundry is put away.” They’ll score a perfect 10 every time.
– Spider high jump. This is my field, folks. ‘Nuff said.
Feel free to add your own events in the comment area below.