I am working on the coolest haunted house story at the moment, about a class over at West Albany High School.

I don’t have all the details yet, but from what I can tell, it’s most definitely not for the faint of heart. The kids in Stuart Welsh’s event tech class are working on lighting, sound, costuming, special effects; everything they can think of to make visitors wish they’d brought a change of underwear.

All of which brings me to the scariest haunted house I’ve ever seen. It gets scarier, in fact, every time I think about it. It was at the Oregon Zoo probably 15 years ago, and it was clearly labeled, “Adults Only.”

So I went in.

Only to be greeted by a TOWERING VERSION OF THIS!!!

AIEEEEEEEE!!!

Yes, it was indeed, a monstrous Form 1040, hovering just inside the door, waiting to smother me! And next to it – oh, I shudder to think – was a big technicolor video of somebody undergoing a root canal! The sound of the dentist’s drill was broken only by the warbling notes of a “Brady Bunch” record album! And – this may have been worst of all – hanging on the wall in all its lurid, shriek-inducing glory – a pair of polyester bell-bottoms!!

I had to stagger out of there before I lost consciousness.

Were I to open my own personal grown-up haunted house, it would include that root-canal video, no question. Here’s what else you’d find:

– Copies of the “Friday the 13th” pop quizzes my high school math teacher would dish out.
– Two children with stomach flu.
– Giant spiders.
– Videos of me as a seventh-grader.
– Reality television shows.
– A checkbook, wildly out of balance.
– The idea of somehow, someday, finally having to get a real job.

And you?