Here is a Facebook forward, which I did not write, but which inspired today’s post:

School Answering Machine:

“Thank you for calling (your child’s school).

* To lie about why your child is absent, press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his
work, press 2
* To complain about what we do, press 3
* To swear at staff members, press 4
* To ask why you didn’t get information that was already
enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to
you, press 5
* If you want us to raise your child, press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit
someone, press 7
* To request another teacher for the third time this
year, press 8
* To complain about bus transportation, press 9
* To complain about school lunches, press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child
must be accountable and responsible for his/her own
behavior, class work, homework, and that it’s not the
teachers’ fault for your children’s lack of effort . . .
hang up and have a nice day!”

I would love to put something similar on my own outgoing message. Something along these lines, perhaps …

“Thank you for calling the Democrat-Herald newsroom.

– To complain about your paper delivery, press 1.
– To question the editor’s education, values or genetic history, press 2.
– To compare a politician to a Nazi, press 3.
– To complain about the weather forecast, press 4.
– To request a TV  guide tutorial, press 5.
– To question a reporter’s education, values or genetic history, press 2 and add it to your editor conversation.
– To claim the sports department purposely slants stories against your favorite team, press 6.
– To tell us that your boss/roommate/ex/waiter/kid’s teacher/parole officer is an abusive, no-good, tax-dodging, Commie-loving cheat and demand that we do a story “to make them look bad,” press 7.
– To threaten us if we don’t keep your name out of the police report, press 8.
– To insist that a photograph be taken of a youth event for absolutely no reason other than, “The kids have worked SOOO HARRRD,” press 9.
– To grouse about how papers print only bad news, particularly about kids, press 0.
– To complain about space wasted on photographs or stories you don’t consider “news,” see previous option.
– If you’re thankful to still have a hometown paper that reports your kid’s honor roll, the high school football scores, your letter to the editor, your folks’ 50th anniversary, your niece’s wedding, upcoming changes to your water bill, the meth bust down the street, the new coffee shop in town, and incredible pictures of eclipses, sunsets, sports teams and local wildlife: ask for our circulation department, renew your subscription, buy an ad and tell a friend.”